Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
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I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.