I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
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Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”