Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
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(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.