anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
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Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Had to try this trend 😊
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho