I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
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Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.