[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
You Might Also Like
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
it was love at first sight
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”