How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
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[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Well, this explains it:
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign