Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
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Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.