I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
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me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.