Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
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It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Going into Monday like
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.