I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
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Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
smartest karate player in the world
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam