Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
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Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Real House Wines.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil