Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
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Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I don’t think my car can fly