LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
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When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?