The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
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jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?