Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
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No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.