I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
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*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there