DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
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It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
This is hilarious….
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have