Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
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Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
The pasta is now
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.