My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
You Might Also Like
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
CRYING
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.