me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
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I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.