My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
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Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Ah..makes sense now
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Chemical wingman
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.