“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
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I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.