Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
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7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.