King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
You Might Also Like
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.