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“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.