inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
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Me :
All Day At Night
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
If looks could kill
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant