Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
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If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I love wikipedia
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
How wrong was this guy?
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache