ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
You Might Also Like
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
sleeping beauty
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.