airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
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[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
*puts words between two asterisks*
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.