People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
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Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.