Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
You Might Also Like
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.