Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
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Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Money is the root of all wealth
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
describing stardew valley
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
they really do be looking like this
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.