“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
You Might Also Like
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
is there nothing we can trust anymore
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child