[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
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Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴