i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
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Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
This is true.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
no their not
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Close call…
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that