If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
You Might Also Like
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Follow me for more fitness tips.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
There is no “we” in pizza
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no