Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
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You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Worst bar ever.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
This is the coolest video you will see today.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
3% human
97% stress
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now