No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
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Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Me redecorating every room in my mind
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.