Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
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6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy