what my late-night hot pocket sees
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My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.