Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
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ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.