Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
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It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
WHY?!
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
lmao
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.