Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
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[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.