at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
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Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”