When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
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[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh