I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
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Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”