My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
You Might Also Like
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
This is a whole mood;
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.