daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
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Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
is this a threat
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda