My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
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I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”